The Dance

To fix my little dilemma I decided to use the inspiration of my Maytag Washing Machine Spin Cycle! One “sweet home Alabama” later with dancer Greg; Jeans are dry! Yes!
I am brilliant!


Tall Guy: Hi! Would you like to dance. Hand on back. (Fireworks, Explosions, New York Choir Singing HALLELUJIAH)

At this very moment in time, EVAN! ANSWER IT!!!(the exact way that Evan has programmed his contact name into my phone) calls.


Evan: MOM! Me and Jared are at Walmart! Come pick us up!

Me: Why are you at Walmart?

Evan: We needed Cheese balls and new scooter wheels.

Yes of course you did!

Me: Umm I’m a little busy right ……..

Evan: Never Mind Jared’s dad is picking us up. Bye! Click!

WOW! I’m pretty sure that was the most wonderful timing ever!

No big deal Evan, I mean I haven't had a date since you were in Elementary School and I was JUST ABOUT TO DANCE with Tall Guy but no big deal, call me from Walmart with your cheese puffs whenever you want my dearest son of mine!

Tall Guy comes back!  Phew!  This is probably the funnest two-step of all time! I feel like I am on a Disneyland Park ride right now!!

Tall guy + Me Tall Guy + Me Tall Guy + Me.

Hallelujah I finally found a boy like me! Lord have mercy I think I’m in a fantasy.

Song playing during the funnest two-step of all time!

 

Next Post: First Date with Tall Guy! 

Preview:  Not Good! 

Part A of Saturday Adventures Part 2

Have you ever had a feeling that someone is watching you, just to turn around and find out it’s HIM! And then you would do anything just to not know, what you now know, which is that HE (tall cute cowboy guy in this case) is watching you!   You were acting totally normal until you saw him watching you act normal, now you’re nervous.  Oh my god, how does my hair look, I need more lip gloss, is my fly open. Check fly, no don’t check fly that will look gay. Um, oh my god do something you look like a complete idiot just standing here thinking about how you look standing here and what you should do now that he is watching you just standing here. Oh my gosh I am sweating, I am totally nervous, do I look nervous, Self, get it together don’t look nervous, look normal, what does normal look like? my head is all foggy, my stomach feels weird! Maybe I should turn around and say Hello!

NO! Then he will know for sure that I have been thinking about him looking at me standing here while I have just been standing here not moving for the last however long.


Ok well maybe you haven’t felt like that since Jr. High. I might be the only one with fine lines that still has those kind of thoughts and feelings going on inside their body on a regular basis. Doesn’t it seem like I should have become more mature and sophisticated then a 13 year old, now that I am a mother of a 16 year old???



10:15:20 – DJ BOB Announces Crazy Fast Aerobic Line Dance I don’t know the name of

10:15:21 – I don’t know if I remember how to do crazy fast aerobic line dance I don’t know the name of.

10:15:24 - Having fun a little rusty but think I might pick it up by the next 8 count, I hope!

10:15:30 – Oh crap, I have to pee! I knew I should have gone to the bathroom like an hour ago before I was in the middle of the dance floor doing crazy fast aerobic line dance I don’t know the name of, with an audience of one very tall male whom I think is very cute. Excuse me bladder why do you think right NOW is a great time to kick in the elimination of waste instinct? Did you happen to notice that I just might be in the middle of something right now?

10:15:37– This is a pretty crazy fast aerobic line dance for someone who really has to pee!

10:15:42 – Is this song still going? How much longer???

10:16:01 - I hope the pee stays in it’s home!!

10:16:08 -Tall guy is totally staring at me! He he! He is probably admiring my amazing dance ability! Oh my gosh, I just lost my focus, where are you guys, oh your behind me. Ok. Since when has there been a quarter turn to the right there? Where are you guys? Oh crap. I don’t know what I’m doing! Yeah, he is pretty much dazed and mystified at my incredible skills by now!

10:16:18 Why did I drink so much water???

10:16:22 This song is so frickin long- oh my gosh where am I? Why are they all facing the other way now?

10:16:49 – So I have an idea! Let’s do a science experiment! How long will a liquefied substance stay inside of a container with a small opening if the container is jumping up and down, spinning and kicking to the beat of a very fast country song??

10:16:58 –THIS IS THE WORLDS LONGEST SONG!

10:17:01 Ok, Options:

1. Run off dance floor towards bathroom clutching my jeans screaming I’ve got to go, I’ve got to go.


2. Cross legs and do the weird looking cross legged spider walk around the dancers while whispering, “Sorry I really have to go, Sorry too much water, I really have to go. Excuse me Sorry, Sorry Excuse me”


3. Keep doing crazy fast aerobic line dance I don’t remember the name of and risk having a very embarrassing moment before the dance is over . Why did I choose to be in the front and the middle??



10:17:08 Dear Jesus, I’m sorry for speeding on the freeway on the way here today. I promise I will never speed again if you please make the pee stay in!

10:17:13 – Too Late! Holy Crap! Note to Self: pushing Watermelon size object out of your grape size opening will increase the probability liquefied substance leakage. Especially while engaging in high impact aerobic activity!

10:17:34 – Oh my goodness what a freakin nightmare! I hope tall guy isn’t watching me anymore. Maybe I got lucky and he is playing pool or something. NOPE! Still watching. I wonder if he is wondering why it looks like I peed my pants. Umm. because I did!

10:17:45 – Good thing I just finished studying, “How to Make Someone Fall in Love with You in 90 Minutes.” I’m practically Aphradite out here!

10:17:58 – Finally Song is over, I am out of here!

Okay. So, I’m just going to stay in this bathroom for the rest of my life!



Lady that looks like she is 32, is actually more like 48 that has been coming here since the beginning of time, that probably thinks I’m a snob because I have never said one word to her in my life. I have an idea, How about I ask her if it looks like I peed my pants.


"It’s Cindy right? Hi. I’m Mollie! Nice to meet you! So, I need to ask you something, and I need you to be totally honest with me. That dance I was just doing you know the really crazy fast aerobic one? Well, see I have been trying to stay more hydrated, so I drank a lot of water before I came here and um, yeah I just peed my pants while I was doing that dance just then? Can you tell? Please tell me the truth? If I go out there is everyone going to be asking what that large crescent shaped wet spot is on my jeans?"


"No, Hello, I’ve had 5 kids, that happens to me all the time! You can’t even tell."


Phew. I think that makes me feel better. Kind of????


Ok, random brunette girl from stall #2 – “excuse me, hi my name is Mollie and I am very sorry to bother you but, I just did a crazy fast aerobic line dance after drinking A LOT of water and not emptying my bladder for a couple of hours and well, I’m not in my twenties anymore like you look like you probably are. So, anyways, can you tell? Please tell me the truth."

Snickering probably thinking what a strange old lady. "No, you can’t tell."

"Are you sure check the back too? Can you? Really are you sure?"

"Yeah, really!"

"You can’t tell! Oh good! Thank you so much for your time."


Chick #1 applying another layer of lipstick in mirror: "Oh my god can you even believe her she was like all over my second oldest’s baby’s daddy! Whatever! Who does she think she is anyway?"

Chick #2 – friend of Chick #1 re-adjusting micro mini skirt, "I know right! Can you even believe her, she is so nasty! why does he like her anyways did you see how big her butt is? she is so…….." "HI! Excuse me, sorry to interrupt. My name is Mollie. Nice to meet you. You see I have been drinking A LOT of water and, etc. etc…………, so can you tell that I peed my pants? Are you sure, even from the back? Really? Ok, thank you so much!"

Saturday Night Adventures Part 1:


Okay, so I’m new to this blogging thing. So I know it’s not Saturday, but I figure by the time we get to next Saturday maybe I will be done posting the adventures of last Saturday. I hope!


So, Saturday night around 6:40, I decide to use this really cool feature I have on my on my new LG phone. It’s awesome you like type in this combination of 10 numbers and then you put the top of the cellular up to your ear and you will hear some ringing noises, sometimes it will be random songs instead of the rings depending on the phone number combination that you used. Then you will hopefully hear a voice coming out of the phone, wait to make sure that it is really a live person, (they have these tricky things that sound like you’re talking to a person, but your actually not and you don’t get to talk to those until they make a beep noise).
What is so great, is that you can like ask questions and say funny things like I am laughing out loud, or I will be right back, and u don’t have to wait for the other person to decode before they respond, if they are over 40, or their name is Mollie Morse. (since I always have to be in front of my handy google screen to communicate with Evan using the other phone features such as txt messaging!)

It is a much more time efficient method to get your thoughts to other people. Here is how it works: you have to use your vocal cords in combination with some fine motor skills in your jaw and tongue. Depending on how long it has been since you used these skills you may need to take a refresher course on how to do this.
Evan can take the class with you!  Although very proficient in his thumb and pointer finger skills, he doesn’t seem to be very comfortable yet with the idea of using your vocal cords for communication of thoughts, ideas, questions, etc. I have hope though, he's showing promise!  He is now using his vocal chords and fine motor skills to make some noises that resemble grunting!  And,  he is quite proficient in anunciating Mom and Wow very clearly!


6:45: EVENING PHONE CALL WITH EVAN

Me: Hi Evan! You answered!


Evan: What do you want mom, I am leveling my mage!


Wow, ok so here is what I heard, “What do you want mom? I am leasenonigming my moinwlg!” Perfect!


Me: Okay well I understand how important that is Evan, but I need to know WHEN YOU ARE COMING HOME! HOW ABOUT NOW? I want you to go to church with me tomorrow.”


Evan, “Mom, no I’ve almost leveled him I’m in the middle of a mage battle right now in Damassus and I’m almost totally oom.(out of mana).”




What the???????????????




Evan: “I’m just gonna spend the night here again with Jared. Come get me in the morning. I’ve gotta go mom!”


Me: Ok, bye Evan! I love you!




Evan:”ok, love you too mom! Bye Click!”




So apparently it’s the three of us tonight guys! What do you guys want to do?' (my dialogue(monologue with Cody and Jack the cat))


CODY!! NO!! DON’T EAT THE CAT!!

I have got to get out of here!

So, I know I’m the kind of girl that is probably not supposed to like you know, places like that, where people drink stuff like in long neck bottles like that, and do those things that they do with those big tables with the sticks and the colored balls like that.  And, I know that this place looks like one of those places and sometimes has certain similarities to what you might call a so called, “Bar” but don't be fooled by the disguise. Some people may refer to it as a bar like facility, but I prefer to call it a Dance Studio/Fitness Center. Very Similar!  Slight differences!  Instead of protein shakes, bottled water, and trainers there are $1.50 Wells, Beers on Tap, and lots of boys in dirty old 10 Gallon Hats.  Instead of treadmills and cardio rooms there is a great big hardwood dance floor with saw dust on the side and DJ Bob Playing Good Ole Down Home Country Dance Music all night!  Small details!

Honestly, it may technically be a bar, but to me and my country dance troop girls, it’s an awesome place to hang out and dance dance dance! (and sometimes make fun of the silly cowboys) I only do it cause MDHealth.com says that cardiovascular exercise is very important part of a healthy lifestyle. Clearly country girl dancing is a wonderful form of cardiovascular exercise? 

7:30pm-

Me: ok I’m coming what time are you gonna be there?


Laurie: probably 8


WHAT! Crap, I’ve got to hurry.

Me: Okay, I’ll be there soon as I can!






9:15 Arrive! (For some reason getting cute doesn’t seem to be as quick and easy of an undertaking. I remember it being much easier than this 10 years ago!)

Well there it was that little red brick building, you know the one right on the side of the freeway with the great big welcoming brick archway and neon blue and red OPEN sign! It is the place where everybody knows your name and their always glad you came!

 

Lots of dirty old ten gallon hats, crooked little smiles, s*(^ kicking boots, and cowboy ba donky donks(butts) in tight jeans. There is just something about cowboys! ummm! Just make sure you don’t let them open there mouth! That is very important! Crucial!

AND DO NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES LET THEM TALK!!

TRUST ME!

It will ruin it totally for you!! What I have learned is that ,apparently breathing in horse manure fumes and talking to cows all day doesn’t do much for the cranium nerve connections! But, they are extremely cute with mouths in fully complete closed position!! 

THERE HE WAS! Halleluiah!! He was like 6’2 or 6’3 at least, cowboy for dang sure, sportin a black cowboy up hat, nice collared shirt black and white striped (so he takes showers +, can be kinda stylish +), very tall (so while dancing with him don't have to duck numerous times+), baggy wrangler jeans(wrangler jeans so he's cowboy+, not the skin tight wrangler jeans++),seems to display many traits resembling the conceited over confident cowboy(which since I seem to have mental issues when it comes to picking out men, still like maybe love cocky attitudes him + me-----), he is wearing dance sneakers with his cowboy get up(++++)!!  Are you kidding me???? 

 "um guys, look at tall guy! He Can Dance!  He is Hot!"  (And you guys thought us girls talked a lot different then Y'all. Nope! ) ;)

I could not believe he was wearing dance sneakers!  What Cowboy wear's dance sneakers?  Cowboys don't wear dance sneakers.  Especially ones that were his type! You know that type, just by the way they hold the left side of thier upper lip and angle thier right foot when they walk, they scream, “ I just tied a 2000 pound animal's balls together just to infuriate him, so I could get on him while he violently kicked and bucked as hard as he could his only objective to thrust me off as hard and quick as possible, so he could charge in to me with every single bit of his full 2000 lb force pick my 190lb(pure muscle) body with his xtremely large bull horns and eradicate my life from planet earth. That’s what I do for fun!  How bout you?  What's That? Did you want to repeat what you just said about my pick-up truck,dog, girl, and momma?  Yeah, thought so!"  And, that my friends is absolutely, tremendously, sexy & hot! (Well at least to me, but I do tend to be a little mental in the mate selection department)

So, I know this is incredibly mean and horrible to do, but I am going to have save what happens, (if anything), with Tall Guy for Saturday Night Adventures part 2)

Here is me adding a little Oprah flavor for a minute: 

What I know for Sure:  ALL WOMEN LOVE MEN WHO CAN DANCE!  ESPECIALLY THE ONES WHO STILL LIKE WOMEN AND ACT MANLY WHEN OFF THE DANCE FLOOR!  THIS IS A RARE COMBO!  

BUT WHEN IT DOES HAPPEN, IT IS QUITE LOVELY!!!

Note to men: Learn to dance! Well! It will do wonders towards the probability of involving yourself in that two participant cardiovascular activity you seem to all be tremendously preoccupied with!

TYPICAL SATURDAY

Typical Saturday Afternoon


1:30 Saturday Afternoon – Evan is still not home, will not answer phone, phone goes straight to voice mail, resort to iming him on face book the only form of communication he will entertain these days.  Great feature of this form of communication is I pop up on the screen he is looking up in front of everything else, and if he ignores me I just keep sending my message over and over again.  My own form mom pop-ups!   Brilliant invention!
 Me: Evan! Hello! Where are you?

Evan: Hi mom! (leaving out a crucial piece of the reply I was looking for! where he is!!)

Me: Where are you evan? Are you coming home soon?

Silence, Silence, Silence, Silence, Silence.

Me: Evan, Where are you? Are you coming home soon?

Evan: WOW Mom! I don’t know. I’m at Jared’s. bye!

Ladies and Gentleman, that is the alpha and omega of my mother son dialogue on Saturday, August 29! 

ok so,

1:45 – The crazy dog is now locked out of my room after bringing me the cat’s bed, the cat’s food dish, the cat’s toy mouse, the empty can from the cat’s food this morning, an empty water bottle, Evan’s purple UW hat, my black flip flops, and my green adidas workout pants all of this while I was having the former conversation with my son. Apparently he has decided to take up singing after listening to me sing to him catchy tunes like, “You are my Cody, my only Cody, you make me happy......” And, “Oh how I love Cody........!” At least I think that's what he's doing.  Its pretty pathetic.

In other words, he is scrunched up to the other side of my door howling, (loudly) right outside of my bedroom. I think it’s time to go to the dog park.

2:10- start getting ready to go to dog park, have to find choke collar, oh there it is in top drawer of night stand. Now I need poop bags, where did I put those? Oh yeah in bathroom drawer above my hair brushes. Logical place for them, I think! Now furry yellow creature is running around in circles like a circus animal and  jumping up and down up and down, up and down again.  To make sure I can see him in the mirror as I am attempting to do my hair and re-apply lip gloss.( you never know when you might run in to an eligible bachelor.) Ugh! Cody shut up! I’m going as fast as I can. To be so lucky as to have picked out the most mentally challenged lab in America.
Okay, now all I need is leash, chuck it, oh yeah and my phone, just in case, I have been on a  date or two with men at the local dog park. Last time didn't work out so great though.  He was the tall distinguished dark and handsome guy with the little black and white pug named Otis, and it seemed to be going great.....until he mentioned, “oh yeah I know I said that I was divorced andbroke up with my former girlfriend a couple months ago but I’m hanging out with my ex-wife on Friday night and having dinner with my ex next Thursday. “   ????? That's kinda weird, don't you think?  Wow okay dude!

And men say that women are complicated and hard to figure out! Are we really the complicated species? Honestly?


As I approach the dog park. I realize yep absolutely no eligible men at the local county dog park today, good thing I spent that extra 20 minutes doing my hair and putting on mascara and lipstick whilst the crazy yellow canine did his version of canine jumping jacks in the bathroom directly behind me so as to make sure I could see him in the mirror and knew he was waiting for me. I’m sure the other canines in the park appreciated the extra effort I took in putting lip gloss on though. 


Although no eligible bachelors, there were some freshly posted new dog park rules: of which I am about 98% certain that #2 was created specifically for my juvenile yellow furry friend himself.



2. OWNERS OF DOGS IN DESIGNATED OFF-LEASH AREAS MUST BE PRESENT AT ALL TIMES WITHIN VOLCAL CONTROL DISTANCE OF THEIR DOGS, AND ENSURE THAT THEIR DOGS DO NOT CAUSE PUBLIC NUISANCE, SAFETY HAZARD OR HARASS PEOPLE, OTHER DOGS OR WILDLIFE.



Ok, well how exactly would that work if your dog barrels through from one far side to the other farthest side, then from one far side to the other farthest side, stopping only for the occasional and very crucial lifting of leg to moisten area with his own secret powered and potent scented body fluids, sniff a new or interesting dog butt or put nose in other freshly moistened and scented area. Are they aware that the dog park is 4.5 ACRES!!!!  Do I look like a freakin world record marathon runner to you?

That would be an entertaining site. “Hey daddy, how come that girl keeps running back and forth back and forth after her dog?”, “Well, son she is staying in compliance with the posted county dog park Rule #2 .” And, about that underlined public nuisance and harassment. Do you think peeing on log 3 times, whilst man is sitting on log, would be defined nuisance? Hmm. Personally, I think the dude should just get up and move to another log. He’s peed on you like three times now! He apparently really wants to make sure that everyone, dog that passes that particular log knows he was there. So, I have an idea go to another log.  How about the one right next to it? (Really you are just going to keep sitting there and complaining about it? ) Here's your sign!

Or how about excessive canine butt sniffing, barreling in to other dogs or people at full speed, stealing other dogs toys or single focused chasing and attempting to mount others inappropriately and excessively after being warned by extremely direct communication methods that, “no am not at all interested!!!  In fact big yellow PIBD (pain in butt dog) I will bite your head off if you do not leave me alone, NOW!.”   At least I'm pretty sure that is what they are trying to say.  (hey I know some human males like this too, maybe I should carry around dog park rule #2 with me as a general rule when on chance I run into one of the male versions of the human species that needs to be reminded that excessive attempts at mounting are defined as “being a nuisance ”as well.)

This Is Us! My Family and My Life

Who am I? Inside I’m an all American strawberry blonde, free spirited girl.  I love to dream, love to dance, love to laugh, and have fun.  I love romance, and stories about falling in love, labrador retriever puppies, gold hoop earrings, shopping malls, painted toe nails, farmer's market flowers,  baby toes, lip gloss, great books, country music, neopolitan ice cream sandwiches, white sandy beaches, and sun kissed noses with freckles.  I also am particularly fond of the way muscles look inside the strong arms of a good looking man.  My childhood dreams included, getting married a house full of kids,a picket fence and a family dog. Only, my life took a slight detour the summer of 1992.  The summer before my senior year at Ingraham High.  I remember so clearly taking that First Response pregnancy test in the second floor Nordstrom ladies lounge at Northgate Mall. I went in with myself and small piece of plastic to pee on,(so I thought).  I came out of that stall with myself +1, and two blue lines. Holy beep!!!  Life had changed, instead of planning the last year of my high school life, the senior prom and filling out college applications, I was getting morning sickness, prenatal vitamins, and strech marks.  Instead of shopping for the latest accessory at Claires and Express I was shopping for pregnancy jeans,breast pumps and nursing bras. Wowzah! 
 There goes the rest of my care free teen years, along with my future on perfect life lane in suburbia, USA! I was seventeen and pregnant!  Suddenly life changed as I knew it FOREVER!!

Fast Forward 16 years to 2009: That 17 year old is now thirty-something and my visions of my future on beautiful life lane with a perfectly clean and sanitized house,decorated with Pottery Barn Curtains and Vases and William Sonoma baking dishes, with a ravishingly gorgeous hot and hunky husband who gives me all his money now looks more like a crazy, chaotic life raising my 16 year old son, with Cody the psychiotic dog, and Jack the cat instead of the hunky husband.   There aren't many Pottery Barn decorations, just piles of laundry, backpacks from school, boxes of grape sports drink and XS energy drinks, or remnants of what used to be the box chewed into cardboard pieces all over the front room.   Sweaty white gym socks, yellow labrador retriever hair evenly distributed in every square inch, different varieties and shapes of half chewed dog toys and bones, the basketball used in the neighborhood dunk contest last Tuesday, wii game controllers, guitar hero guitars, a sunburst Epiphone electric guitar with a very large extremely loud electric guitar amp.   Today my dreams now involve things like being told when and where my son is going before he leaves and coming home sometime at least within the same calendar day he said he would. This year to have a report card with a passing grade in that English class we have taken three times now.  I dream of decisions being made to actually go to school all of the days that school is in session, or at least enough to receive that high school diploma next year.   I dream of Glacier Peak High School without any teenage girls, or at least any that my son would be interested in.   I dream of peaceful nights without midnight runs to Taco Bell for cheesy double beef burritto and double layer nachos.   I dream of a kitchen without empty pizza boxes, ice cream cartons, and cheetos bags.  My financial dreams are now getting through an entire month with enough in my checkbook to pay the electric bill and the water bill both on time without overdrawing.  In the future my visions are a home with doorknobs on ALL the doors and a microwave that actually has a handle to open it with! Wow, wouldn’t it be great!

So, this is my so called life! Real Life as a teen mom turned thirty-something still single, doing her best to raise a teenage son.  Long gone is the cute guy, my third period American Literature infatuation who sat in the second row. I look like a woman outside but still feel like that seventeen year old girl full of dreams, trying to figure out the meaning of life, walking the halls of Ingraham High in 1993.  Only now I have fine lines, an electric bill and I live with a 16 year old boy (that looks strangely similar to that guy in third period American Literature class), a 1 year old yellow labrador retriever, and a cat named Jack!
I am not sure where this is blog is going to go, but it should be quite a journey.  Feel free to add comments, encouragement, advice, empathy, Prozac, I mean Advil, jokes, whatever.   Don't expect a large amount of great advice and deep profound wisdom, or the secret to raising a teenager and keeping your sanity, because between you and me I really don’t have a clue what I’m doing and I'm pretty sure I might have already lost my sanity! Here We Go!